


and just forget the world

by great_big_worm



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Compulsions, Gen, Mentions of Suicide, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, thoughts of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:13:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28019811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/great_big_worm/pseuds/great_big_worm
Summary: The title of this fic is inspired by the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.Sam's compulsions are getting the best of him and he doesn't feel like he can keep himself safe from... well, himself. Luckily his brother is there to help him through it.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	and just forget the world

_Cut your earlobe off._

Sam Winchester was no stranger to the pressing, invasive, sometimes downright disturbing thoughts reeling through his brain. They'd never reached the ears of a professional, of course; the Winchester's didn't do therapy. They hardly did doctors.

And never, _ever_ would Dean be told about them.

Perhaps he had caught on over the years, hearing Sam mumbling numbered sequences to himself or watching him flick light switches on and off before leaving a room. "Making sure they work," Sam would always excuse. But compulsions such as these were basically harmless. The need to cut off his own earlobe was _not._

_Cut your earlobe off._

He paced back and forth, back and forth, back and forth across the bathroom tile until he finally forced himself to slide down the wall near the toilet and stay put. A dull pressure moved in behind Sam's eyelids. There was no way, _no way_ he could _actually_ be entertaining the idea of grabbing the straight razor in the medicine cabinet and pulling a Van Gogh. That shit was _permanent._ If he closed his eyes and let himself drift for long enough, though, he could indulge in just a taste of the relief he knew would come after. Bliss. A few hours of undisturbed _quiet._

Well, until y'know, Dean would notice that part of his ear was gone and would want answers that Sam wouldn't be able to give.

_Cut your earlobe off._

The twisted knot in his gut ready to pull tight, Sam reached for the phone in his pocket.

"Uh... Sammy?" The voice on the other end asked. Sam didn't remember dialing Dean's number.

"Yeah, yeah, can you come here? I think I'm gonna do something and-"

"Woah! Sam, slow down." He heard rustling on the other end. "Where are you? When did you leave the bunker?"

 _I didn't leave the bunker,_ Sam thought. _If I just left the bunker I probably wouldn't be having this problem._

"Cutting your _what off?"_ Dean's tone shifted from worried to petrified, and Sam could hear the racing footsteps from his brother's side of the line. "Tell me where you are, right now, or I _swear_ I'm gonna beat your ass so hard-"

_Cut your earlobe off or Dean's gonna kill himself._

"Oh my God, shut _up,"_ Sam groaned. Dean said something but now Sam wasn't in the mood to process it. This was stupid. It was stupid! 

He wasn't sure when he'd gotten up off of the bathroom floor and opened the creaky cabinet, taking the cold metal in his hands. 

_Which would you rather live without? Dean? Or your fucking earlobe? You selfish-_

"Sammy, put the razor down, _please,_ we can talk it through." A voice said suddenly from behind him, sending a jolt up his spine that made him lose his grip on the blade. Dean was here. Sam could save him from himself.

The knot in his stomach only pulled tighter as he let himself step away from the counter. "Did I tell you what was happening?"

Dean's face softened. "Yeah. Sort of. There are gaps, and you better be damn ready to fill them in."

"You don't get it. You'd never understand. I _have_ to do it, or else..." Sam trailed, knowing that saying any more than that would put Dean into such a horrific state of guilt that he'd probably never let Sam out of his sight ever again.

"Or else _what,_ Sam?"

"Have you ever felt like you had to do something, something really stupid, or else something bad will happen?"

"Like what?" Dean asked.

"Like... if you don't cut off your earlobe, your brother will kill himself." Sam mumbled. Or maybe he didn't mumble it. Maybe he shouted it from the goddamn rooftops, considering how he said things to Dean he didn't remember saying and had his body walk across the bathroom without telling it to. Maybe he finally _was_ cracking, just like good old Dad always said he would, said it always happened to the weak hunters, that they heard voices and shot themselves to get rid of them. He could shoot himself to get rid of them.

But if Sam shot himself, who would cut off their own earlobe to keep Dean from doing the same?

The older Winchester's expression changed. Almost like he could finally see things the way Sam saw them.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not for a long time." Dean assured him, crouching down until he was sitting next to his brother on the floor. "I think you need to talk to someone. Someone who isn't me." Dean must have seen the hurt in Sam's eyes at his statement. "Not because I don't care, but because you need to talk to someone who actually knows how to help you. Understand?"

Sam nodded.

"Before we do any of that, I'm taking all of this shit out of the bathroom and putting it in the kitchen. Not to babyproof the place on you. But that way, if you're feeling like pulling this crap again, you've gotta walk past my room to get to the goods. You can take a detour and talk to me. Anytime."

It felt a little bit patronizing, but Sam understood where Dean was coming from. He'd do the same for him.

"And you're not suicidal." 

"Nope. Got a bit of a death wish, but not planning on offing myself anytime soon. And if I _was_ going to do that, which I'm not, going earless would probably not change my mind." Dean chuckled, pushing himself up off of the tile and taking Sam's shaking hand in his own to help him do the same. "I love you. That is the first and probably last time I'll be saying that to your dumbass, so be grateful. Capische?"

"I love you too."

"You're not supposed to say it back, Jesus. Now look what you did. You made it weird."

Sam just rolled his eyes and made his way out of the bathroom, trying to figure out how to navigate the flurry of emotions flowing through his veins. Dean knew. If Dean knew, that meant he'd officially hit rock bottom and it could only go up from here, right? 

_Cut your earlobe off._


End file.
